So I haven't written in a while so I thought I would. This was my first month on Femara and I was CERTAIN that this was our month. I had all kinds of symptoms but I guess they were just all in my head (like always). I still haven't started...but I know I am out this month too. So I am guessing this is like month 48 or maybe even more of NOTHING! Back to the Femara subject, I don't know if anyone reading this has ever taken it before but it made me so emotional. I mean busting out crying for no reason at ALL! I cried all day at work the other day and I have no idea why! I guess that is just part of the emotional roller coaster of infertility! YAY!! "Welcome to womanhood" is the comment that was made from someone YOUNGER than me! Seriously? Womanhood? I think I have experienced more trials of "womanhood" in the last 4 years than most people do in their entire life! Can anyone sense the sarcastic mood that I am in today? It's one of "those" days. Every month when I find out I'm "out" is one of "those" days, or weeks.
People are always saying "Just give it time" "It will happen when you're ready" REALLY? B/c I was ready FOUR FREAKING YEARS AGO!!!!! It's so funny to me how some people who are FAR from ready can have a baby so easily. Even when they DON'T want one, they still have them. I have so much love to give and I feel like it is all just going to waste while there are so many babies out there that aren't getting the love and attention that they deserve and my question is WHY?! There are so many girls who smoke cigarettes, marijuana, take pills, and drink alcohol while pregnant. I don't plan on even being AROUND cigarette smoke, chemicals, or anything while I am pregnant... a little far fetched? Maybe to you, but not to me! It's seriously all I can do to keep my mouth shut when I see this going on.
I had someone tell me the other day "Maybe if you adopt, you will get pregnant!" Well, I am sure that I would eventually get pregnant if I adopted but WHY? Yes, there are many children that need love and need to be adopted but why would I be that selfish to ADOPT a CHILD, a HUMAN-BEING, just in hope that I would conceive my own biological child? I think that is one of the most selfish things a person could do. Now its totally different if you are adopting and eventually having your OWN child is the last thing on your mind. Then yes, I would be all for adoption. If I am ever told that there is no way I will ever conceive, then yes, we will more than likely adopt and I will not think twice about it.
So many people that DON'T suffer infertility say so many hurtful things to those who do. Most of the time, I am sure they do not realize it, but I, on a daily basis cry over what someone has said to me or something that I have heard someone say in general. No, they don't mean any harm...but they DO harm! I wish no one had to go through the journey of infertility, but unfortunately there are WAY too many women who do. 5 years ago today, I would have NEVER imagined that I would be where I am today. I had it in my head that by the time I was 22 I would already have 2 children. Here I am 23 with NONE! I'm still young you say? Yes I am still young but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't still ACHE for a baby of my own to hold! I used to be so happy for women when they found out they were pregnant or when they had babies, now I can't stand it. Jealousy is what it would be called I guess. I can't help it, I have to wonder why them and not me?
I hate being a parties or places with a bunch of women who are discussing their babies, pregnancies, how they found out they were pregnant, how shocked they were, how they told the dads, etc. I can't stand the fact that I cannot be included in that conversation. Yes I have been pregnant, I was shocked when I found out but who wants to hear a story like that that ended in loss? Their stories are happy, mine isn't. I am not trying to sound like a crybaby but if that's what anyone thinks then PLEASE feel free to LEAVE my blog site! This is where I come to vent, cry, and relieve some stress. Anyways, I'm sure there's plenty more I could go on about but I have things I have to do. As Reba McEntire says "The world's not gonna stop for my broken heart!" So I will try to write again shortly! Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a blessed day! :)
~Nicole~
