BABY BOOM

Like I always say, I usually try to blog when I am upset so here goes...
I swear it seems like every time I START to get the whole "trying to get pregnant" thing off of my mind(which is hardly ever), I find out someone else is pregnant. Not only one person now, its like another freaking baby boom in my town. It's ridiculous! I just feel like I am all alone. I don't wish infertility on anyone but I wish I had a friend who knew what I was going through. Everyone tries to be sympathetic but unless you've been through it, you don't know. I just don't understand what is so wrong me that I can't be a mother?? I am such a good person and I try my best to be nice to everyone. I don't know why I have to go through all of this pain but I just pray that one of these days I will get to have a blessing to call my own. Only that will erase all of my pain. I have so much love to give that seems to be just going to waste while there are so many women in the world who will have abortions, give their babies up, or simply not love them. Why? Why can't I be the lucky one? I should be planning my baby's 1st birthday in a couple of weeks but instead, here I am still with empty arms. It's been a year and a half and I still think about it everyday. I am just ready to feel like I have a whole heart, not one with a huge hole in the middle. Everyone keeps saying "It will happen, don't lose your patience yet" "keep your faith" etc....well its been about 5 years and I'm STILL waiting...so tell me do you think you could still be patient? I'm to the point that I just don't know what else to do. Invitro fertilization is one of our next steps and it's about $15000.00. That's not pocket change. Why do people who want babies so bad have to go through all of this? The ones who DON'T deserve babies should be cursed with infertility then there wouldn't be so many neglected babies in the world. "Help me Lord because I don't understand your ways but even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same."
But anyways I guess that's all for now...have a nice day!

Not a Good Day in the Neighborhood.

So I am not having a very good weekend and I need to get it out so I figured I would blog.

To start, I came home from work Friday and my husband tells me some news that literally BROKE my heart! The neighbor's dog had killed my puppy, Lulabelle. I was devastated!! I have cried all weekend long. I swear it seems like when I am actually starting to get over one wrong thing in my life, something else happens. I guess that's why people say life is unfair! I have moped and been depressed all weekend. I have cried and once I start crying I guess I start to feel sorry for myself and start thinking of everything that is wrong or bad in my life and cry even harder. I have got to start focusing on the GOOD in my life and not all of the bad before I give myself ulcers or a heart attack at an early age!

Regarding our journey, there really isn't anything to interesting right now. I am on my second month of Femera. We didn't get pregnant on our first round. I should find out around Halloween if we did this month. If not, then we will do one more round and then I am not sure what's next from there. After my puppy died, I prayed for God to send me a baby so that I wouldn't be so strung out over animals and it would get my mind off of so much other stuff! It's all up to Him, we are doing all that we can. So as much as I get disappointed, I know He has a greater plan for us. I am just so ready to start that plan! :)

I hope you all have a wonderful day and if I don't post before....HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Maybe I will conceive a little Halloween pumpkin this month! LOL!

48 Months & Counting????

So I haven't written in a while so I thought I would. This was my first month on Femara and I was CERTAIN that this was our month. I had all kinds of symptoms but I guess they were just all in my head (like always). I still haven't started...but I know I am out this month too. So I am guessing this is like month 48 or maybe even more of NOTHING! Back to the Femara subject, I don't know if anyone reading this has ever taken it before but it made me so emotional. I mean busting out crying for no reason at ALL! I cried all day at work the other day and I have no idea why! I guess that is just part of the emotional roller coaster of infertility! YAY!! "Welcome to womanhood" is the comment that was made from someone YOUNGER than me! Seriously? Womanhood? I think I have experienced more trials of "womanhood" in the last 4 years than most people do in their entire life! Can anyone sense the sarcastic mood that I am in today? It's one of "those" days. Every month when I find out I'm "out" is one of "those" days, or weeks.

People are always saying "Just give it time" "It will happen when you're ready" REALLY? B/c I was ready FOUR FREAKING YEARS AGO!!!!! It's so funny to me how some people who are FAR from ready can have a baby so easily. Even when they DON'T want one, they still have them. I have so much love to give and I feel like it is all just going to waste while there are so many babies out there that aren't getting the love and attention that they deserve and my question is WHY?! There are so many girls who smoke cigarettes, marijuana, take pills, and drink alcohol while pregnant. I don't plan on even being AROUND cigarette smoke, chemicals, or anything while I am pregnant... a little far fetched? Maybe to you, but not to me! It's seriously all I can do to keep my mouth shut when I see this going on.

I had someone tell me the other day "Maybe if you adopt, you will get pregnant!" Well, I am sure that I would eventually get pregnant if I adopted but WHY? Yes, there are many children that need love and need to be adopted but why would I be that selfish to ADOPT a CHILD, a HUMAN-BEING, just in hope that I would conceive my own biological child? I think that is one of the most selfish things a person could do. Now its totally different if you are adopting and eventually having your OWN child is the last thing on your mind. Then yes, I would be all for adoption. If I am ever told that there is no way I will ever conceive, then yes, we will more than likely adopt and I will not think twice about it.

So many people that DON'T suffer infertility say so many hurtful things to those who do. Most of the time, I am sure they do not realize it, but I, on a daily basis cry over what someone has said to me or something that I have heard someone say in general. No, they don't mean any harm...but they DO harm! I wish no one had to go through the journey of infertility, but unfortunately there are WAY too many women who do. 5 years ago today, I would have NEVER imagined that I would be where I am today. I had it in my head that by the time I was 22 I would already have 2 children. Here I am 23 with NONE! I'm still young you say? Yes I am still young but that doesn't mean that my heart doesn't still ACHE for a baby of my own to hold! I used to be so happy for women when they found out they were pregnant or when they had babies, now I can't stand it. Jealousy is what it would be called I guess. I can't help it, I have to wonder why them and not me?

I hate being a parties or places with a bunch of women who are discussing their babies, pregnancies, how they found out they were pregnant, how shocked they were, how they told the dads, etc. I can't stand the fact that I cannot be included in that conversation. Yes I have been pregnant, I was shocked when I found out but who wants to hear a story like that that ended in loss? Their stories are happy, mine isn't. I am not trying to sound like a crybaby but if that's what anyone thinks then PLEASE feel free to LEAVE my blog site! This is where I come to vent, cry, and relieve some stress. Anyways, I'm sure there's plenty more I could go on about but I have things I have to do. As Reba McEntire says "The world's not gonna stop for my broken heart!" So I will try to write again shortly! Thanks for reading and I hope everyone has a blessed day! :)

~Nicole~

When the Cradle is Empty.

So, I have started reading this AMAZING book by John & Sylvia Van Regenmorter. It's called "When the Cradle is Empty: Answering Tough Questions About Infertility". I honestly cannot believe how much it sounds like me. I mean I was only on page 3 and I was tearing up and it just sounds like I could be the author. I am only on page 33 right now but there are so many things I would like to post from the book already, I wish I could just post the whole book for everyone to read!! Even if you can pop babies out like candy, you still need to read this book. It was written for couples facing infertility or pregnancy loss, but even if you don't fall into these categories, it helps you to understand what "we" are going through. Even though most family and friends "mean" well, 90% of the time, they are the ones who hurt you the most with the comments that they make. The book says "We experienced well-meaning but ignorant advice" Which I get all of the time from people who mean no harm but just don't understand. For example, (got this from the book) Here are the top 10 comments that infertile couples HATE to hear:
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10. "Guess who's pregnant---Again!!"
9. "It will happen when you're ready" or "It will happen in God's time"
8. "So-and-so prayed and they got pregnant right away"
7. "You're being too sensitive" or "Just accept it and go on" or "We all have problems"
6. "Do you want me to give you a few pointers?" or "Are you sure you know how babies are made?"
5. "I get pregnant so easily! My husband can look at me and a baby is on the way!"
4. "You're lucky you don't have kids" or "Why do you want them anyway" or (I HATE this one!!!!!--->)"I'll gladly give you a couple of mine, you'll be bringing them back very soon!" or "You don't know how good you have it, your're house is never dirty!"
3. "You're not getting any younger" or HATE this one too---->"Atleast, You're still YOUNG!"
2. "Adopt!! Then, you'll get pregnant for sure!"
1. HATE these too, and I hear them alot---->"Just Relax!!"You're trying too hard!" or "You're thinking about it too much!" or "Go on a vacation or take a cruise!"

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Also, I got this poem off of page 30/31 and wanted to share it:

I am in pain. Someone just died. Who, you say? Someone who never was. I am infertile. My period just came. I hurt so much. My own body keeps reminding me that I am incomplete. I don't function properly. Why? Why? WHY? Oh, my baby, why can't you be?

So true for so many women!!
There's another part in the book that talks about the guilt you begin to feel. This is one part where I cried because even though I can't help it, I feel this way every single day. Sylvia talks about the anger first and then the slip into depression.
"You begin to hate it when you're friends excitedly tell you that they are pregnant. You make excuses for not attending baby showers, but that only makes you feel terribly guilty."

Another part she talks about a conversation she overheard in the OB/GYN office. I hear these types of conversations all the time and I just want to punch someone out. I guess until you've been down this road, you don't have a clue!! One of the women was about 37 and pregnant with her 6th child, the other about 18. Here is there convo:

The younger one asked the older one if she was happy with her pregnancy. "Oh yes," the older one replied. "But I'll just be glad when it's over; I just hope we have a boy. I've had 5 girls, and my husband will kill me if it's a girl." The younger one declared that she hoped she wasn't pregnant. "I'm too young to have a baby!" she said matter of factly. "Of course, if I am pregnant, I will have an abortion. There's no way I'm taking care of a kid!"

Sylvia said she hid her tears behind her magazine and prayed,
"Dear God, why are You giving a 6th child to a family that already has 5--and they're fussy about the gender to boot? Why didn't You make me pregnant instead of this immature teenager? Then Your world could be spared another abortion."
I honestly don't know how many time I have questioned God about things like this. I know I shouldn't but it is so hard! I use these scriptures everyday to help me.

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed. --Habakkuk 2:3 AND 'For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. --Jeremiah 29:11-13

I could just go on and on about this book. I highly recommend anyone to read it. They have also written other books about infertility that I plan to read! I am sure I will post more as I get more in depth in the book.

UPDATE:

Since the whole reason for having this blog was to keep people updated with us, I had one post op appt on August 10 and he wants me to come back on August 24 for another ultrasound and to set me up with the fertility pill, Femera. Maybe not too much longer now!!!(Didn't I say that 4 years ago?!?! LOL)

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed day!! :)

Surgery is Done!!!

So I had my surgery yesterday and believe me...I was a nervous wreck!! It wasn't so bad though, of course because I was knocked smooth out, lol! He didn't find any endometriosis, thank the GOOD Lord! He said everything looked pretty good for the most part. My colon was attached to my uterus so he unattached them. He said that could be where a lot of my pain and pressure are coming from. It might have been causing my lower back pressure but I don't see how that would make my ovaries and cervix cramp?? Hopefully it doesn't come back though.

He went in through my belly button, then did a small incision below my navel and one right about my pelvic bone. My stomach is very sore today. Feels like it has a lot of pressure for it just being 3 small cuts. I will upload some pics for you all to see even though it's not that big of a deal. He has me on an antibiotic, phenagren(sp?) for nausea, and some pain pills. I don't know which one it is, but one of them is making me VERY, VERY irritable!!! Ughh...I actually feel sorry for people around me, lol.
I go back on August 10th for him to take my stitches out and stuff and we ARE going to do fertility pills again instead of going straight to artificial insemination. I will be on Femera. I just want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. Now maybe the next step will be updating you on my pregnancy!! :) Hope you all have a wonderful day!

Oh, also I want to thank my husband, mom and granny for being there for me. I don't know what I would do without them taking care of me. I love y'all! Juan has been great! Although we do have our ups and downs at times, I am truly blessed to have such a wonderful husband. God knew what he was doing when he put us together! And I know he will be a wonderful father as well! I love you so much baby!!!!!

Nerves and Nightmares!

So my surgery is in exactly one week and I have myself completely terrified!!! LOL! I am so nervous, I can't sleep and I am having nightmares such as:

"what if I don't wake up?", "what if I can still feel everything but they think I'm 'out'?", "what if he finds something unfixable?" "What if he messes me up worse?"

etc, etc....it's really quite funny when I tell it...but it's not funny when I really start thinking about it! Watching the surgeries on YouTube probably didn't help matter any, either! I am sure I am going to cry all the way to the hospital Tuesday morning! lol! Well, thanks for listening...I will try to post on Sunday night before Pre-Op and Monday before surgery, then keep everyone updated from there! -LotsOFlovE-

So the Journey begins...

So some people were wanting me to start up a blog so that they could keep up with all of my fertility updates, etc.

- I guess I will start from the beginning.

Juan and I have been together since September 2003. We moved in together in July of 2006 and were married April 2007. We had been doing to the whole "not trying to get pregnant but not trying not too" method from probably 2005 to late 2006. Then I decided that I was ready to start really trying. I have always had very irregular menstrual cycles, I am talking not have one for 2 years then have one for 8 months straight. So I went to my local OBGYN and told him we were wanting to have a baby but nothing had happened yet. So, he talked to me about all of the options and he prescribed me with Provera(help start periods) and Clomid(the fertility pill). I was on Clomid for about 7 or 8 cycles and still nothing. I got a little discouraged but was supposed to have gone back to the doctor in January 2009. Well some things came up and we were in the process of buying a new house so I didn't. Note that I didn't have a period in Dec 08 to March 09. We moved in our new house about March. Juan and I decided that we should just hold off on thinking about a baby since we had so much other stuff going on at the time. Well come April I was starting to have very sore breasts and sharp ovary and pelvic pain. I honestly thought something was very wrong with me, pregnancy NEVER crossed my mind. I called my gyno repeatedly telling what was wrong, they asked if I could be pregnant and I said no! There's no way I am pregnant!! So they scheduled to see me in 2 weeks. I thought I couldn't wait that long so I asked my aunt for advice and she said "Please take a pregnancy test! I want to make sure you are not pregnant before you try taking any medications." So the next day after work I went to WalMart and got 2 tests. This was on April 23, 2009. I went to the bathroom, peed on the test and just sat it down. At this point I was actually KIND OF starting to get my hopes up, but they had been crushed hundreds of times before when I always see NEGATIVE :( So I pick the test back up and to my amazement....It was POSITIVE!!! A BFP if I ever saw one! I instantly starting bawling! All the cute little ways of how I would tell Juan just flew out the window. I called him and was crying and told him and I think he was in just as much shock as I was! It was by far the happiest day of my life! I was going to be a MOTHER! WE were going to have a baby!

I called the clinic first the on Monday April 27 and told them I was indeed pregnant. They wanted to see me asap because of the pains I had been having. So I left work and went straight there. Of course I was petrified that they were going to tell me that I was having an ectopic pregnancy! I get there, he does an ultrasound and I get to SEE my baby, heartbeat and all! It was the absolute greatest feeling in this entire world! My due date was going to be December 18, 2009!!! But considering the problems that I had in the past, he prescribed me progesterone inserts, prenatal and a baby aspirin a day. Well things were going great, my mom and I were already buying things, I was thinking of names, you name it! Around the 13 or 14th I started spotting a little so I called my nurse and she said as long as it was brown then everything should be ok. So I thought everything was fine. Well, you all know the saying "all good things must end"....On Friday May 15th, I went to work and around 10:30 am I suddenly felt like I had just started my period. No pain or anything just felt like I had started. I thought OMG please NO NO NO! I ran to the bathroom to find my underwear full of blood. RED blood. I immediately starting crying, went and told my lead and she said "Go call the doctor now!" So I went and called the doctor and my mom. I think my mom knew b/c she kept saying "oh no, oh no" So her and my granny met me at the drs office right around 11. When we finally got back there they had me pee in a cup...and there was blood in that! I asked the nurse if anyone ever bled like that and everything still be ok with them and she said yes but I think it was only to keep me together until the dr got there. So he comes in and does an ultrasound and there's NOTHING there. He said "Have we done a ultrasound before?" and I said Yes we even got to see the heartbeat. So he kept looking and I could instantly tell by the look on his face that I had lost it. I started bawling! HARD...it was embarrassing. He just kept hugging me and patting me on the back. He even had tears in his eyes and kept saying "I am so sorry, I know how bad you wanted this" Of course my mom and granny were crying too. He gave me some pills that would help to further along the process and I just came home and cried and cried and cried. I could not understand for the life of me why God had taken my baby while there were SO many people out there who were so undeserving of children yet could pop them out like tic-tacs! I was very angry with God and with a lot of people. (Thank God I got over that!!)

So I had to go back to my doctor 3 months later which was September 2009. While I was there I mentioned the Fertility Clinic to him and if it was too early for me to consider it. He said absolutely not and that he had actually used to work for them! So I made an appointment at the fertility clinic with on January 28, 2010! I was very excited! So I finally get to my appointment after what seemed like years...I meet my doctor and we go over all of mine and Juans past.Then he does an ultrasound on me plus a TON of blood work, and Juan had to do the semen test. I also had to do have a HSG test done and that was the most painful thing I have ever experienced! OUCH!!! Everything came back perfect for Juan but come to find out I have P.C.O.S or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My insulin levels were also very high, and I had a few other problems. So he prescribes me with Metformin 750 mg twice a day and with Prometrium inserts that I use starting on day 18 of my cycle to help start my period. He wanted me to take the Metformin for a while to see how it helps. I don't know how good it's helping my insulin but I know it sure makes me sick! I lost 13 pounds in TWO weeks!! Well he wanted to me call back after 2 months of Metformin and he was going to put me on Femera(another fertility pill) BUT if I was still having ovary and pelvic pain then we may look into something else. So I called back and said yes I am still having the pains, worse than ever actually! So I went back on July 14, 2010 and he said did another ultrasound and said that he thinks I may also have endometriosis. He said that he wants to do a laproscopy and a hysteroscopy. He aslo said that women with endo and PCOS usually end up in hysterectomy but we are going to try our best to get atleast one baby! He wants me to start a birth control pill to make sure I won't be pregnant during the surgery which I will start on cycle day 3. And IF I do have endometriosis, then he said we will more than likely go directly do aritificial insemination rather than back to fertility pills.


So here we are today is July 19th, cycle day 3 and I just took my first Loestrin24FE birth control pill! LOL! It's kind of funny actually...I never thought I'd be taking something to PREVENT me from becoming pregnant when that's what this whole deal is all about! But I definitely wouldn't want to take that chance either and with my luck...this would probably be the time I did! I go in for Pre-Op on August 2nd and then my surgery is August 3rd! I am SOOOO nervous! I've never had any kinds of surgeries...especially not any affecting my chances of child-bearing!


I know this was really long but I wanted to fill everyone in on how the journey has been so far. Which that's still not EVERYTHING! Now the posts won't be as long since I've already told my whole life story, lol!

Thanks for sharing my story with me. Talk to ya next post! :)